just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You made out with two different species that night
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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