Ketchup is God's man juice
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
