I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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