Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
