I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
