I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
