Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
