Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
