i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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