you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
