Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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