I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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