Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
