I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I have aggressive nipples.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
