He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
