have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
