Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
