You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
