last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
