I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
