i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
