my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
We are all done wearing pants today
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
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