Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
