Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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