I've blown a few things in my day
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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