You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
