Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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