remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
