we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
