Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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