sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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