Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
