nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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