A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
