I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
