I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
So apparently I’m into choking now
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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