6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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