We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
