I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
