I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
