Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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