Soap is not a condiment
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Randomize
