Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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