I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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