I met the friendliest cop last night
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
