I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
