i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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