you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
