threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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