I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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