I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
