the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
