We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
be right there i have to get my cape
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
