god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
