were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
This show inspires me to have sex in space
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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