Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
