My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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