All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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