final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Randomize
