Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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