I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
