just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
